Senior Girl

I wrote this poem to process the feelings I had for a girl who was three years older than me. I never knew if she liked me or not and was always too afraid to tell her about my feelings, so I wrote. Love is very easy to connect to the unknown, isn't it? In this piece, it's obvious that I didn't know how she felt, but, perhaps more importantly, I didn't know how I felt either. I tend to lose myself in the ideas of relationships. Especially during this time, I loved to imagine that I was in love with her. I loved creating elaborate scenarios where we might bump into each other. I even loved how distressed I felt. But I never really knew what my true feelings were. I just knew that they were significant. 

Emily Marsh

Smile. Please, just smile

Or don't.

Every time you smile, I stare for one millisecond too long

You look too. Just a glance.

And in that moment, I see you

Like I really see you

For the person you are and not the one you pretend to be.

I know I'm crazy

I know this is crazy.

I realize that I must be the only one who caught feelings

But if I look at you, you'll know

and if you know, you'll analyze me

You'll laugh with your friends that another little Freshman likes you

I can't be the only one who caught feelings

but I am

Red face, sweaty palms.

I know you are observing me

I know you're judging me too

You are the most accomplished person I've ever known

how are you so young and so great

Is this what it's like to be in love?

This is crazy.

I feel like I have an "academic crush"

like this has gone too far

like I am some sad little girl and you are this all-powerful, amazing, beautiful person. I

wish I could tell you

but then it would be awkward

What's causing this?

Is it something else?

Do I need a new person to obsess over?

I've started liking you three times now and every time I just keep going back.

You are impossible to move on from.

Why? Why? Why?

I don't know. But how many times have I liked someone and they didn't like me back?

All of them.

How many times have I had a really good friend that I got tired of and slowly stopped talking to?

All of this back and forth in my brain

Like or love? Crush or infatuation?

Am I the problem?

I wish I knew, but I don't and probably never will.

Two weeks. That's how long I have to make a good impression.

Two weeks to make you fall in love with me.